First one thought on the many firsts

Today is the day of my first one thought and yesterday was the day of many firsts – the day we did the first TS3 performance in front a hooting and encouraging audience. Who better can we have as an audience than this passionate lot, who will walk up to you and say “it was deep, it was shades of grey, it was realistic, it was AWESOME!!” It was a definitive first for me where I was apprehensive of how the play will turn out as we had not rehearsed enough or so I thought, in my naïve but limited intelligence. It was also the first time, I let go and allowed my co-actor to lead me and what an experience it was! I learnt more through my co actors and following them than I would have learnt in many classes clubbed together!! Loved every minute of it and the fulfilment seems to gain clarity after a day or two.

Yesterday was also the day when I volunteered for the first time at the Kannada Kavya Chilume. I saw first-hand the beautiful back drop come to life and how it was done piece by piece (literally) I experienced the calm and focused actions of show manager, making the right decisions and calling the shots. I saw a lady perched on a high stool (she was climbing great heights for sure J) handling the lights with aplomb. I also saw musicians bring on the magic to stage and weave through every emotion on stage. How did they do it? The act was improv theatre and at least the music must be staged? No, it was going with the flow and establishing the stage, setting the tone, heightening the emotion and finishing with a crescendo. The actors were phenomenal and for all my lack of language skills in Kannada, I left after the circle time, a very happy, content and enriched volunteer. Ofcourse, thanks to the team for performing my favourite kannada word “avali-javali” during their practice sessions. Now I will always look at them (my avali-javali) with more love, more depth and more of satisfaction.

On the subject of my kids, yesterday was also the first time when I was away from my kids and husband for the first time for a full day. Don’t get me wrong, I travel abroad on work, I travel to various places to attend to some family functions, I travel to take care of our farm often….but yesterday seemed like I was away from my family to do something that I enjoyed, I cherished and I derived a lot of pleasure from. That came with equal parts of guilt, defiance and self-doubts. When my daughter asked me today “why were you so late last night?” I wanted to reprimand her but realized she also missed my presence. Being the quiet one, my son is yet to make an observation but my husband has been grudgingly supportive and ensures that home front is taken care of in my absence. So my dilemma from this third experience of firsts during this weekend has been whether it’s the right move to take away one whole day from my two days (weekend) with my kids till they will give it to me? I know very soon in about 3 years’ time, they will have other things to do, and wanting to spend time with uncool parents is almost certainly not going to happen with the cool and hip teenagers that they will be!! So right now, I am still contemplating, dissecting and feeling a bit low about the third first time ever…And I know this is also about my journey of self discovery. Every piece, every nuance and every emotion as an individual, as a mother, as a wife, as a professional and above all as a thinking being wanting to be a little better than what I was yesterday. I am not sad that I am at the crossroads rather I am happy that I arrived here today…I am content in the thought that I shall be…what I choose to be.

Happy to share my thoughts with you!